Thoughts of a dying woman

What happens when life stops?

When I can’t think through my responsibilities?

When the beauty of the ocean, as I know it, is gone?

When my children are looking through the glass at my lifeless body?

 

What goes through the minds of those I leave behind?

What are the things my soul will keep questioning about in death?

Why did it have to be me? Seven billion people in this world;

But somehow my number came up? Why not my evil neighbor?

Or the mean woman at the train station? Or the selfish milkman?

Why me? A loving parent, child and sibling?

 

What will happen to the people I love? What are they going through?

Is the agony in their faces honest? Will they find life difficult without me?

Will they move on too soon or will they take ages?

Will they take care of my children?

Will my children, in return, learn to appreciate that God planned it?

Or will they curse the day I died?

 

What about my friends? Will they suspect foul play?

Will they follow-up with the law?

Or will they settle to grumble among themselves?

Will they remember me or will I just be another walk-in who left?

 

What about my spouse? Does he regret those dark tough times we had?

Does he wish back the beautiful moments we shared?

Does he wish he could turn back time?

Then maybe he‘d help me avoid this tragedy?

Will he cry alone in the night calling out for me?

Will the pain in his heart be like the kind I will go through in death?

After how long will he re-marry?

 

What about heaven? Is it waiting for me?

Will Jesus be happy to see me? Will the Lord call me His child?

Will my tears be wiped away?

Will my struggle in this world pay off?

Will my mind be erased of all the pain I have gone through?

Will it be as beautiful as the stories my mama used to tell me?

Will my soul be at home or will I crave the people I have left behind?

Will I rest forever in the arms of my creator?

 

Lord there is so much I want to know…..

Help me understand.

Forgiveness sets the heart free

A broken heart is the tomb of a dying man.

But a heart full of merry can make him careless just as much

Love and life have one thing in common; “nothing is certain”.

We live, but brace ourselves for the day when death will strike

We love, but brace ourselves for the inevitable heartbreak.

Why then do we allow ourselves to be engrossed in vengeance?

The pain and discomfort that comes with it,

The lack of hope, and the desperation to hurt others…

And make them go though turmoil,

Just because we feel that they deserve to;

Just because we think they should feel the same pain we felt?

 

No human is perfect; no man was born a saint

And to err is to man; we can’t take back what’s already done.

But we can change the direction the aftermath takes.

Every action puts us in a position where we can make a choice.

It is this choice that makes us powerful.

We have no control over what has been,

Even though we have been hurt by the people close to us,

It doesn’t justify if we try our best to make their lives miserable.

We gain nothing but more pain, mystery, and mistrust

But we have control over our future

Because we know we have all the cards in our hands.

And the beauty of it is; No one else is in control; we are.

 

Our past doesn’t define our future.

And we certainly can’t make other people pay;

Pay for the sins of people who didn’t deserve our loyalty

No one goes into something they know they will fail;

But when they do, they pick themselves up, dust off and move on.

Otherwise so many of us would never be where we are today.

It’s unfortunate that we go through situations we had rather hadn’t

But it’s even bad enough that we get judged by those moments forever.

One mistake done is a lesson learnt; once bitten twice shy.

Love is treasure, a gift, a moment in time when we look back and feel good,

Love is patient, its kind, but it’s also forgiving.

We have only one life to live; it will be stupid to waste it away in vengeance.

 

xoxo

Prayer to God….in appreciation for my son.

In my son’s eyes, is the grace of a lifetime;

In those eyes is the hope for a better tomorrow.

How am amazed by how my heart stirs when I look at him.

In his little eight months, he’s given me so much.

A fulfillment of joy, peace and restoration,

A reminder that he’s my biggest blessing,

My son, my baby, my bundle of joy.

 

How sweet his smile is, and how it warms my heart.

How innocent his face is, he still doesn’t know wrong

And how he smiles even when he’s done wrong,

He laughs when you toss a phone; or make faces

His humor is beyond comprehension

God has been kind to me, he has graced my life

With this wonderful little boy, that I will protect with my life

Is it not, after all, my only obligation as a mother?

 

In my heart I pray, that his smile will last,

That he will know love, joy and happiness as he grows,

That he will know God and live in his word

That he will gain favor in the eyes of God and people

That he will earn kindness and give it in return

That he will cherish love and be loved back

That he will know life in all its fullness.

For this is the prayer of every mother for their child!

 

Love,

Mommie

Don’t morn a departed friend, celebrate knowing them instead!

I never really knew what the phrase ‘Life is short’ meant until I lost my best friend, Julie

She is the girl I shopped with, played with, fought with, prayed with, laughed with….

We did so much together; I can hardly recall a time I was ever alone.

She taught me a lot of things I know now, dedicating her time to offer a shoulder for me to lean on

I never knew all this would be over so soon, and that I would soon wish I’d done more than these things.

 

I remember the things she told me as we grew up, telling me to never give up.

And when we were in junior school, and I was the skinniest of them all,

She told me in senior high, they would love my size so much I could make prom queen.

And when I worried that my hair was too tough, she relaxed it and let it fall down my shoulders

She stood up for me when the boys teased me, telling them I was too good for them.

 

And when I was getting married, Julie made sure to stand by my side all though,

Through the headache of planning a wedding, she was my wedding planner,

And she sure did know me well, because she got me the flowers I always loved,

And booked me into the town hall I always wanted to get married in.

 

Julie loved to see me happy, she’d take my hand when am down and read me the bible,

She never failed to remind me that Jesus is real and that He loves me so,

Even when I conceived, and was worried about my baby being okay,

She reminded me that the same Jesus that crafted me; was going to craft my baby,

And it was going to be a sight to behold;to mush over.

When my baby came, she was perfect, I called her Julie.

 

When Julie fell sick, I was by her side, nursing her, praying with her,

But this time, the battle was too big, she was losing, and I was hurting.

Julie looked at me from her bed and told me not to cry, she was gonna be okay

“Jesus is watching over me and the angels are holding my hands”

She told me then closed her eyes, never to open them again.

 

There are times I wonder if I ever did anything for her,

Then I am reminded that the fact that she was with me to the end means that I meant a lot to her,

And she had never failed to tell me this.

Now from here, I look up and tell Jesus to hold her hand as she walks into heaven

Because I am positive that there, is where my best friend Julie is.

 

I wish I had told her that she was the best friend I ever had,

I wish I had told her that I appreciated her so much that I know no one could fill her place.

I wish I had played more, prayed more, danced more and shopped more with her.

Lord, I wish we’d stood over the top of a cliff and sang hosanna with her.

 

Still, I know, even in heaven, she knows this, because real friends don’t need words to talk,

They understand each other before words are exchanged.

Therefore, I will not morn my departed friend,

I will celebrate the life of my best friend, who has been exalted to glory.

Because even I will follow her at one time, and so is the past of all humans.

xoxo

Happy Valentines Day!

Here is to wish all my readers a happy valentines day! spread the love, share the love! click here to send your beloved ones a happy Valentine’s Day message.

Team Macy

After a day of anxiety, long office hours,

And her boss breathing instructions on her neck,

As if she is too illiterate to understand,

Macy walks into her home to find her ten month old son asleep,

She looks at him and smiles; at least he makes her struggle worth the while

She takes off her heels and massages her toes, when did they become so tense?

Frowning, she makes a mental note to immediately take a bath.

 

Refreshed, she hovers above her son to wake him

At first he’s reluctant, but the moment he hears her voice, eyes fly open

Macy chuckles as she picks him up; he coo’s and smiles at her

Adoringly, she gives him a tender kiss, then cuddles him as he breast feeds.

She munches dinner as she watches the local news on television.

Politics, desertion, floods, rape, almost every story hurts to listen to

“Life has become so messy,” she mumbles to herself

 

Retiring off to bed, Macy braces herself for the usual in-between sleep pauses.

Usually, her son wakes her up several times in the night to feed,

Macy is already too used to the trend when he doesn’t wake her, she wakes him

Yawning, she picks up her diary and flaps it open, then she sighs; she better sleep early.

Tomorrow will be another long day.

She kisses her baby goodnight and climbs on to her bed.

I have made it through today, I will certainly make it through tomorrow.

She says to herself as she lays her head down and drifts off……

xoxo

How to maintain tangle free natural African hair.

How to keep that glow with natural African hair..

She’s most women

A victim of teen pregnancy and rejection,

A financially unstable single Claire thought all was lost,

Her honors earned her no more than enough to feed herself and her son;

 

She had long chosen to take the high road,

And do without support from her baby daddy,

Terming his money “dirty and sick”

After all, where was he when her baby was one month old?

Two, three, ten…..a year? Where had he been for five years?

Had he wanted to be responsible, he’d have manned up then.

 

She looked at the time and realized she had to go

Tidying up, she got up, took her handbag and walked out briskly.

She got into her car and drove off, to her son’s school.

Waiting patiently at the parking lot, she got out a pen and drafted a dinner plan;

Then scrapped it when she realized it was her son’s turn.

She switches on the radio, and closes her eyes…..

Letting her mind wander…. she pictured her adorable son,

 

She remembered how it was when she was pregnant.

Working to the last day of labor, she was so heavy she could barely lift her legs.

At the hospital, it had been rather painful, cold and alone for days.

As she went through prolonged labor, her prayer was for a healthy baby.

Her baby’s daddy never really showed up;

When he did, he spent five minutes around her and take off so fast you’d think he was phobic.

She’d try to understand, even when the hospital was unbearably miserable.

She’d cry, a lot, and then she’d wipe her tears and think…

“Maybe when baby comes things will get better”

Time came, she delivered a bouncing baby girl

She was so adorable, but that was all.

No change; no new beginning, she’d had to do something.

 

One day, she’d packed her bags, got her baby and walked out on him.

Entirely ignoring, though scared, the shouts, insults had that followed her.

She remembered feeling relieved.

That had been the beginning of her life…..

The past was gone; she had her son and herself……

She had to be there for him.

 

Her passenger door opened, she startled

Kissing her son’s cheek, she reminded herself;

“You’ve made it so far and it was okay, everything will still be okay”

She helped him strap his seat belt and pulled out of the drive way.

Heading to the market, they decided on what to cook for dinner,

She felt lighter, better, as they get home.

 

She cooked dinner, cleaned and tidied up, as he did his homework.

Finally, they settled for dinner, then retired to bed after the grace

Claire closed her eyes, “Thank you Jesus we are safe”

She mumbled to herself and drifted off….

xoxo

Love

When you are in love nothing else matters.

You think everyone is as happy as you are;

Even the sky seems brighter than yesterday.

It is that force of nature that causes you to care, yet reject.

Love will make you discover things you never knew you can do.

Rare talents and new hobbies are created then.

Yes, Love will give you so much power, so much security, nothing else will matter.

 

Love makes you so soft, you’d rather hurt but your partner is safe.

Love draws power from the heart; and the heart is all powerful.

There has never been a meaning enough for love.

No amount of words has defined love; if I start now I won’t be any correct.

 

But I guess love is a feeling; not an action.

Love is what you feel when you look at your child or parent;

It is what you feel when you look at your fiancé.

Love makes you so insecure you want to guard it all the time.
Love makes you paranoid; it gives you illusions of what isn’t.

 

With love, one wrong feels bad, ten wrongs don’t get any worse.

With love, tears are a river, happiness is a lifetime.

With love, forgiveness is eternal, it’s endless.

With love, fighting only shows that you care.

 

How profound this feeling is, it has no concrete characterization.

Yet we have the strength to feel and to offer it.

Sometimes it’s almost painful to love, yet we won’t stop loving…..

Because it is God’s gift to us; it’s that feeling that makes us human.

xoxo

Teen Mom

She’s only seventeen, and pregnant.

Her baby daddy is trying to be a man;

But she can tell he’d be happier if there was no baby.

She decides to bite the bullet and keep it; but they are both terrified.

 

Her parents yell at her; but support her through and through.

Her friends, however, give her a scornful look and start to avoid her.

She thinks of aborting it, but her conscience doesn’t allow.

After all, will there be a difference between her and a common whore?

 

She feels so empty, distraught, rejected and unwanted

The house, which she used to call home, feels no longer familiar.

She can see frustration in her parents’ eyes,

Even though they choose to help her.

Her friends want nothing to do with her.

Sighing, she makes the one decision that changes her life forever.

 

She directs her energy to her growing baby and her academics.

When final year is done, she acquires excellent grades,

She gives birth to a beautiful baby girl; her parents are proud of her,

Her old ‘friends’ are too embarrassed to even look her way.

She smiles to herself as she holds her bundle of joy……

 

“Even though everyone thought I was a failure,

Even though I lost control of my life,

And even though all seemed to be lost,

I have the one person who will remind me that,

All what happened was so I could prepare to hold this bundle of beauty

And to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake I have made”

 

She cuddles her daughter and closes her eyes

Then she whispers……”its gonna be okay.”

xoxo.

Hands tied? Break free!

Growing up in a financially unstable family is not easy.

Koni had learned this the hard way;

She had struggled to get past junior school, through college

By doing laundry, dishes, sweeping offices….

She’d done any job that could raise her a penny or two.

After landing a job, even though it hadn’t been that well paying,

She had been encouraged as it helped keep them well fed, clothed and under a roof.

 

Some months back she’d conceived and had this beautiful baby girl,

Consequently, she’d had to move in with her fiancé, Muna, who was still yet to set a wedding date.

 

But as her financial situation had been really bad

Koni had decided to get a bank loan in order to start a small business.

Knowing this could end up rough if she was not careful,

She had made Muna his favorite dish and waited for him to finish.

Cautiously, she had sat down to talk to him.

“I will provide for you and the baby, you don’t need to get a loan”

He’d said after she had finished

“But this is not for my own selfish gain. We need better income”

She’d recalled how he’d given her a long hard look,

Then he’d snapped “I said no loans”

 

Thoughtfully, Koni had turned away, wondering to herself

She didn’t however, stop there. She’d started her long search for a better job.

When she finally landed a good career, there was but one problem.

It was located in a different town. “Uh…” she said to herself. Muna will flip”

Again, Koni didn’t grow weary, she tried again.

 

Using the only method she knew best, she’d sat down with him to address the issue.

“What? Who will take care of the baby when you are gone?”

“I can go with her then you will be coming over the weekends.

Better yet, you could move with me. After all you are a freelancer”

“I can’t move with you. My life is here. You have to stay”

“What about our bad finances? ” she’d asked

“Stop pushing me Koni, I said I will take care of everything” He’d snapped

 

She’d known she was trending on a bad foothold

But still she tried reasoning with him, he wouldn’t listen

“You want to go, don’t you? Here is my permission, go!

Carry your child and never come back. There won’t be room for you.”

Koni had looked at him, disbelief in her eyes.

“You are being inconsiderate Muna. Am doing this for us”

“Really? Then go ahead and see” he’d told her sarcastically, then stormed out

 

In bed, Koni had tossed and turned, her thoughts too engulfing.

She couldn’t miss the interview. She needed that job.

After all isn’t that the reason why she had gone to school?

Every time she’d intended to do anything financially productive

It had posed a threat to Muna’s ego and he’d always crashed her dreams,

Sometimes, they had fought so hard, he’d hit her and storm out.

This time, she had to do something.

 

When morning came; Koni had waited for Muna to leave.

She’d then packed her bags and took a pen and paper

Then she wrote……

“Muna, after careful consideration, I have decided to leave you. I have a career to build. Our daughter needs better care. You are constantly suppressing me and I feel chocked I am not married yet. I have to be independent”

Then she’d taken her little girl and walked out of what had been her home,

Never to look back again.

Incriminated by her past

Looking at her watch, Emma sighs;

It’s almost 8.00pm…her stomach churns.

“He’ll be here soon; be strong, girl,” she tells herself.

She sips the last of her drink and looks at her knuckles…

Her hands are white, her throat is dry; suddenly, it’s chilly.

 

She looks up, and there he is.

Tall and build, handsome as always, his charm spreading everywhere in the room.

Emma is cringing. Her heart is beating fast.

She tries to rub her hands and pull her scarf lower,

Even still she’s cold, and scared!

 

Looking at him advance her table, she finds herself wondering.

Is this the man who swept her off her feet?

Is he the man who made her pain go away and her fears seem so small?

What happened to that? The security, the joy and laughter, the care,

The tenderness, the warmth, the beautiful skies……..

 

Oh she knows; she had a dark past which, when he found out, infuriated him.

Now he won’t forgive her, he wants nothing to do with her.

She has apologized too many times, but he won’t listen.

He’s hurting, she understands, but she knows she has changed.

 

She knows she’s not that person anymore.

She knows she loves him,

She knows she can make him the happiest man alive,

She has tried to tell him that, she has begged at his feet,

She has fought for him; she has given her heart to him.

 

But still, he has insulted her,

Thrown her out and told her she doesn’t deserve him.

She feels she can’t blame him; after all she is the black sheep

She is trying to understand him; he really did love her;

He really did try to forgive her; He really did try to stay with her.

But his heart gave way, and he can’t have her anymore.

 

Her eyes are clouding with tears, her heart is pouring,

There is a pain so sharp like she has been wounded afresh.

“Oh God, give me strength. Let things be okay,” she hears herself whisper.

She chokes back tears, letting air out slowly, she composes herself.

 

“Looking good, Emma,” he says, pulling her out of her deep thoughts

“Y…Yeah, Hi Derek,” She listens to her voice, its husky.

“Damn,” she curses softly

“Let’s just sign the papers, okay,” he says

 

She looks at him, mouth dry, she realizes that there is no need for words

It’s all gone…. she makes a mental note as she shakes his hand

Sitting down, she waits patiently as he pulls papers from his briefcase

He pushes them towards her, she looks at them….

The last traces of her four year marriage!

 

She looks up; he’s watching her, a smack at the corner of his mouth.

She picks up a pen, she feels sick!

She closes her eyes and breathes out slowly.

Flipping the papers, she finds the strength to sign.

She doesn’t need to read, she just has to sign.

 

She is through; she knows what she has done…

She knows he is leaving, but she won’t look up

All she knows is that she loves him still…….

xoxo

Jesus, her only friend

Stacy has a good background,

Greatly supportive parents,

A good career, and lots of every-things she ever wanted in life;

She even has a husband and two awesome children

Her finances are okay; her credit score is incredibly good

 

However, she still feels like something is lacking.

She leaves work and goes to the gym, maybe her workouts will help,

She cooks her best dinner for her family; maybe their joy will reassure her

She takes her husband out on a date, she’s happy, but still it’s nagging.

She makes charitable donations; it does make her feel better, but only for a while.

 

Desperate, she puts on her walking shoes and walks out,

Down the street and between alleys she goes,

Then she hears a sweet melody, as she draws nearer, her heart begins to rum in her chest,

Steps quickening, she takes a flight of stairs, straight to the door.

It reads…”here is all the joy you ever wanted”

 

She peers inside, it’s packed full, but she goes in anyway.

The tune is familiar, but she doesn’t have a grasp of the words.

She hums along; slowly the words sink in,

She is singing something about a Jesus, and how He loves her,

She isn’t sure what it means but she likes it.

 

The more she sings the more she falls in love with the song.

“Oh, how He loves us….Oh how He loves us…”

Its endless, but its good, the feeling inside of her

The peace, the joy, the restoration, the assurance

 

The vicar is talking, she is still singing,

But she hears him say,

“Tap into His glory; there, everything will be okay

Your family, your marriage, your career, your finances….,

The emptiness in your soul will end, If only you realized,

How Jesus loves you so…..

Oh, how He loves you…..Oh how He loves you”

 

Stacy is crying, she’s mumbling,

She’s praying, she’s frantic

“I need this Jesus,” she murmurs to herself, “I need Him”

 

A lady walks up to her, takes her hand,

Stacy doesn’t look up; she knows she’s safe, she knows she’s okay.

The lady is praying for her, Stacy can’t hear much, but she knows it’s okay.

A book is slipped in her hand, it’s a bible.

 

Stacy looks up questioningly.

The lady looks at her reassuringly,

“Read this Maam….. You will find all the answers you need”

“How much should I pay?”

“You don’t pay to get to heaven; you just have to be His friend, and He’ll have your back”

 

Stacy is overwhelmed; she feels a power surge inside her.

She stands up, clutching her bible tightly, she leaves the room,

The sound of music following her every move…..

She’s humming as he walks down the stairs, down the alley.

She gets into her house; it feels good to be home.

But it feels even better to have a purpose!

xoxo

There is still Love for the heartbroken

She wakes up in the middle of the night,

Then it occurs to her, insomnia has already crept in

She puts on her bed light and opens her novel,

She tries to read but nothing goes in.

All she can think about is how he hurt her,

How he cheated on her and left her to fend for herself and her two babies

 

She looks down at her pillow; she can’t believe how pathetic it looks,

Tainted from crying the previous night and the nights before that.

Life has had a way of making her loath the sunset

Her life is a gripping reminder of the pain she has suffered

In the hands of people she trusted.

She hears a small coo…. from down the hall,

 

She slips on her sandals and trots to her two sons’ bedroom

Gently pushing the door she walks to their bedside.

Her three year old son is suckling his thumb,

While the one year old has snuggles his shawl close to his nose,

And is imitating a nursing young

Her heart gives away as she tacks their sheets around them

 

She looks at their faces, then she realizes,

“This is by far the best achievement of her life; oh how she loves them”

 Then a still small voice speaks to her…

“This may not be the image you had in mind,

But it unquestionably is better; because now you have a chance to be happy,

And a responsibility to make them happy too”

xoxo

Elle est belle

From across the room she sees him staring,

Eyes intense in the dull illumination of the club’s neon.

She shifts uncomfortably, frowning softly

He smiles at her and she thinks he’s endearing,

He then slips the waitress a tiny note.

Disenchanted she turns away and sulks sheepishly.

“He ain’t that cute after all,” I hear her say as she empty her glass

 

Another cocktail lands on my table, she looks up startled.

“For the lady,” she says smiling.

She turns around towards his direction, but alas! He’s not there

Instinctively, her eyes sweep across the room…

 

“Looking for me?” a rich deep voice asks, astounding her

“Oh, yeah, Hi” she mumbles, offering her hand in a hallo

Smiling, he says “A hug will be more like it”

“But I don’t even know you”

You will,” he said softly, leaning to whisper in her ear

“Am sure you will”

 

Then he walks away, leaving a small scribble beside her

When she gazes at it closer, it reads

“I don’t know you today; you don’t know me either,

But tomorrow we will be no more than mommy and daddy”

xoxo

What happened to love?

The topic of Love is the one thing that has left the world shifting uncomfortably. To start with, Parents are key players in what our children grow up into believing love is.

Eucharista Ward (2009) once said “We do our children no favor by keeping them near, coddling them, or showing them off to adult visitors. Not that a nursemaid does not sometimes spoil them. But the greatest favor we can do our children is to give visible example of love and esteem to our spouse. As they grow up, they may then look forward to maturity so they too can find such love.”

Hence the question, “what do we want our children to grow up into? Believing in? Should they shun love or should they embrace it?

If love is the basis for building families, then why do men hit their wives? Why are there street children? Where is the love that bound these two beings together?

1^st Corinthians 13:4-8…..“⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” New International Version (NIV)……

What happened to love being this overwhelming feeling that took over both men and women and made marriage worth considering?